I have always lived life on the more morbid side of the fence. When all the girls around me were sprouting perky little boobs and their hair was something out of a Timotei advert, I looked liked Robert Smith with coke bloat!
While my gorgeously gorgeous friends strutted their stuff at places like Caeasar’s Palace or Qs, I lurked in the shadows of The Doors, hoping to bump into someone accidentally so I could say I got hit on!
Nowadays I think I’m a bit more positive and giving of my time, affections and advice, where possible. So here goes.
Make a wish list
Tomorrow my mom celebrates her first birthday in heaven. I get to spend time thinking about her, the good, the bad, and even the ugly. The fact that she’s dead doesn’t make her a saint. She had her flaws but she was my mom. And she loved me. I think. I hope. I guess so.
To this day I don’t know what is in my mom’s will. In fact I don’t even know if she has one. And I don’t care. No worldly goods will replace her. I know she has some extremely valuable jewelry which is at my younger brother’s house and quite frankly I don’t give a continental shit if I ever see a piece of it or not. There is no diamond or vaulable stone that’ll bring her back.
But there is something I would have loved her to do. I would have loved for her to put her wishes on a piece of paper or in a book.
Like what she wanted done with her ashes. At the moment, as far as I know, they’re at my older brother’s office, on his desk. I’m sure my mom’s loving it there! No one knows what to do with them. I asked for some of her ashes on various occasions and have been ignored so I’ll find another way for me to celebrate my mom’s life. After all she isn’t what’s lying in that urn!
We recently got someone in to change our wills slightly, mine and Mark’s. We’ve changed who Emma and Ben will go to if anything happens to both of us. We’ve asked that all money and valuables left to them are only given to them when they’re 25 or thereabouts – unless it’s for studying or travel. Until then there is a person who will ensure they have everything they need.
Did I mention to make a wishlist?
But more than my will is my wish list. Here it is in black and white and it’s what I want done sans the politics and bullshit that goes with death and families.
1. I do not want to be buried. I want to be cremated. With a lot of popcorn kernels that pop furiously as my body burns. At my memorial service feel free to serve boxes of popcorn with a a tag that has something very politically incorrect on it like ‘thanks for popping by’ or ‘kernel believe she’s gone!’
But what could be fun would be to have a legit looking coffin with a mannequin inside, dressed to look like me. And somehow it topples over with me falling out!
2. I am an organ donor. Mark knows this and I have told him that every single part of me needs to be used. Those bits that aren’t usable can be turned into earrings, key rings, evil eyes, whatever, but he needs to make sure there is hardly anything left of me. Use my bones as a dinosaur hunt for the the kids at the memorial service. Who knows? My ovary could make for an interesting looking ashtray.
3. As miserable as I am I want my death to be a celebration – whether it’s a celebration for some of you who loved me while I was alive or a celebration for some of you who might be glad I’m finally dead! Make sure there’s food and drink (gin, tonic, champagne). Bring your children, let them run and play and be who and what they are
(At my mom’s service Emma and Ben’s behavior was ‘despicable’ because they were squealing with delight, having scored a ride on a golf cart. Deep down I know my mom would have been in hysterics)
4. If by the time I’m dead and they still do things like order of services please please please ensure that it is proofread by a professional or five. I will haunt each and everyone of you who allow a grammar, typo or punctuation error
5. Invite people, like you would for a party. Even if it’s a ‘rent-a-crowd’ I want lots of people there. Not really
6. I do not want a service inside a church. Make sure it’s outside, close to running water, so all the guests need to pee during the service. I’m also thinking a picnic type set up would be fun. With people laughing, kids screaming and yelling. Get a stand up comic if you must, there must only be love and laughter
7. Please play a few of my favorite songs – anything by David Essex. Lou Reed’s Perfect Day, and Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now. There has to be a carpool karaoke with One Direction or with Sia. And there HAS to be a song performed by Tumi and Emma and if there’s a chance to squeeze in one other let it be ‘you are not alone’ by the great Michael Jackson
8. I want everyone to say something about me: good, bad, or funny. Just make sure it’s not dull. Tell the people there that I was incredibly generous, giving my last cent to a beggar or someone needing it more than me, but also feel free to tell them I was so bad with money I never had more than a cent to give. My smarter friends can read a Walt Whitman poem or something from Sylvia Plath. Those smart friends know who they are
9. Plese allow Emma and Ben to speak at my memorial and let them say whatever they want – do not censor them
10. When everything’s over, have my ashes there, even it’s a year’s worth of cigarette ash, but let each person take a handful to do with what they like. Except snort it. It’s not pleasant. How you remember me and the things you liked about me will give you an idea of what to do with them. If you want to be a real bitch you’ll sprinkle them on William Nicol.
My biggest regret is not traveling enough, so if you’re an adventurer please take me with and sprinkle me around. Just not warm baths or a gym. Please!
11. Talk about me often. Think of me with love. Laugh at my irritating little habits like not putting the milk back in the fridge and if you decide to get in touch ne using a medium or physic just know there’s a good chance I’m not going to be answering her spiritual phone call. As it was on earth, so too shall it be in heaven xxx
Oh and shrink my head – could be a great Xmas decoration to pass down the generations
If I happen to change my mind along the way I’ll amend accordingly