This morning I woke up with that empty feeling, the one I’ve had the last few days. The feeling knowing today will be another one without you.
I was up earlier than everyone else, so I made myself a cup of coffee and sat on my own, with my thoughts, in the dark. Mom it’s so hard to admit this, let alone put it out there for people to read but I need to in order to get to the point of this post.
I used to look at you sometimes and think ‘you’re just a mom’. You were just a ‘stay at home mom’ with no major achievements to call your own. In my eyes you weren’t successful – you weren’t running any companies or winning any accolades. You weren’t famous for doing anything spectacular and you hadn’t made any significant changes in the world.
You were just a mom. But now, with you leaving us, I see the impact you had on people, and even though you might not have added anything to the world, you added a great deal to someone’s life, and that is amazing to see.
I know as a mom now, Emma and Ben still think I’m pretty awesome. But I also know that soon I won’t be cool enough and I’ll probably be an endless source of embarrassment for them. My kooky traits that make them laugh now will have them cringing as teenagers and they’ll be sending their friends emoticons, not even thought of yet, about their uncool mom.
Mom, somewhere along the line I stopped seeing you as a person in your own right. I overlooked your incredible strength and ability to empathize. It irritated me how everywhere we went you had to stop and talk to everyone and I hated that I sometimes had to share you with friends. I didn’t see that that was your gift. Instead, I selfishly believed you didn’t have enough time for me.
Back to my cup of coffee this morning. Ben has been going on and on about how he wants me to build a school. And how he wants me to be the principal. And up until this morning I ‘pfffffted’ the idea. I know nothing about schools, I know nothing about being a principal and I definitely don’t have the money to open one. Needing to catch up with the world I went onto Facebook and the very first post, at the top of my feed, was about crowdfunding. Mom, if I do this the right way I might just be able to raise money to carry on (what you wouldn’t even think is) your legacy.
Mom, if I do this the right way I might just be able to raise money to carry on what you wouldn’t even think is your legacy. I might not raise the money to open a ‘real-life’ school (as Ben says) and there might never be enough money in the whole wide ‘university’ (another Benism) but imagine if I could raise enough money to get a kid through their schooling, for a year OR imagine if I could get in touch with someone already in the world of education and create a fund, benefitting children in some way.
My mind is still so fuzzy and this could be another one of my ‘pie-in-the-sky’ ideas that doesn’t come to fruition, but you’ve made me realize success isn’t what I thought it was. And if I could make a difference in the life of one, three or fifty children, then I will finally be the daughter you always knew I could be.