* disclaimer: no children have or will be harmed…yet *
School holidays are upon us once again. And I say again because it’s just the other day they were at home. I get it. The stress and pressure of learning to tie your shoelaces, spelling ‘cat’ with a ‘curly c’ and not a ‘kicking k’ or deciding which friends to play with at break time would bring a grown man to his knees. But for us folk who work from home, holidays means break downs, melt downs, increased medication and alcohol abuse.
I confess I’m more of a ‘quality’ type mom as opposed to the ‘quantity’ kind. So the idea of four weeks of holiday has left me reaching for the gin and tonic smoothies. At 7am! Around this time I start searching kid friendly websites for suggestions of things to do, along with websites of how to hide the smell of alcohol and the many uses of medicinal marijuana.
I suddenly want to find a full time job. A contract type set up of say, about four weeks. A place of safety where I know I’ll be able to poo, pee, smoke and have a coffee in peace. And not account for my whereabouts every single second of the day.
Most of the kid friendly sites suggest doing things with the kids, like arts and crafts, walks in the park, outings (as in out in public) and a lot of together time.
I have come up with a few of my own games, which would keep the kids entertained and me sane. These include:
Hide ‘n seek – where I tell them to count to 50, grab my car keys and drive. Far away
Solitaire confinement – giving them a deck of cards and lock them in their rooms
Play dead – where I pretend I’m dead and nothing or no one can awaken me from my sleep
Catches – I don’t have the energy for this one so I’m thinking of rubbing liver pate all over Emma and Ben and letting them run around the backyard while our dogs try and catch them
Treasure hunt – I’m the lost treasure and they search for me. Day and night
The drinking game – ok this one’s more for me than them. But every time they squabble or call ‘maaaaaaaaaaarm’ I get to down an alcoholic drink, which then leads straight into ‘play dead’
Sailor sailor – where I tie them together with the most creative sailor knot and they have to get themselves loose
With 3 and a half weeks still to go I’m sure I’ll invent a few more along the way