Two weeks back I had coffee with the wise and wonderful Kagiso, she of the Goddess Academy. I love my meet ups with her. She’s funny and wise and to the point. Walking away from a chat with her you realize you’ve learnt an important life lesson, but without the lecture. 

I was then, like I am now, in a bad place. And I wasn’t the best companion to have around. And at one point I think I mentioned dying to her. As in, I don’t think I want to be here anymore. Always one to make you think, even when you can’t think straight through the fog, Kagiso asked me “do you want to die or don’t you want to live?” 
“Isn’t it the same thing?” I asked, to which she replied “think about it okay?”
So I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. The truth is I don’t want to die. There’s too much to do. So much more to learn. Watching Emma and Ben grow up. Spending time with my husband and best friend. People are dying around me all the time and it always makes me appreciate another day, another opportunity, another experience. 
But there are days, when cloaked by the depression, I don’t want to live anymore. Getting out of bed is hard. Sleep is worse, with the nightmares. The energy to be a wife, mom, human, isn’t there. I have to muster up courage to go to the shop, and normal errands feel like endurance training. 

Sadly I don’t think I’ve ever lived. I’ve existed. But not lived. My joy is in moments, shared with my children. Moments of love are enjoyed with Mark, but shiny, happy? I don’t think I’ve ever been that. 
I’m lonely but don’t want to socialise. That would mean people would probably see the real me. And I’d end up disappointing. I hate been alone. With my imaginary friend, Depression. My SOS used to be my eating disorder. But I’m not too thin anymore so I look ‘normal’. I don’t cut anymore so no one knows what’s really going on. 
Don’t judge me for my mistakes. I judge myself enough. All the time. Your dislike of me will never ever be anywhere near my dislike of myself. Whatever horrible things you think of me has already been imagined, processed and internalized. You being sick of me being tired! You rolling your eyes at me saying I’m flat for the hundredth time? Guess what? I’m sick and tired of myself too. 
At some point I’ve probably let you down, but believe me, I’ve let myself down more. You think I’m a failure? I do too. Often. 
This isn’t a ‘woe is me’ post. It’s me sharing my thoughts, on my blog, aware that there’s somebody going through this  too. 

5 thoughts on “When living feels too hard but dying isn’t an option

  1. Sending you great big cyber-hugs. I've had a weekend of feeling pretty much the same way, surrounded by darkness. You've been heard.

  2. Melinda, oh gosh, this is hard! The hardest thing you ever have to face, I believe. But we love you, just the way you are. You need to love yourself. Oh hec, and that is the worst thing ever, because, how?

    I think the main thing is very few of us are “shiny happy people” – but you are an amazing creative being, a mom , a beautiful woman and someone I would love to chat with because I am sure I will just like you more and more.

    My only adivce (because I have been there) – is drink the damn pills, speak to the doc. Because its the only thing that helps – you are wonderful but the chemistry in your body and mind blocks you to see this.

    Heaps and heaps of love

  3. Mel I can't say I know where you are coming from, but I do know you need to listen to Cat. She is wise and has been there.

    You WILL get out of this. You CAN get out of this.

    You are too damn amazing not to.


  4. Depression – it's the hardest thing to explain. Just know that others have been, currently are and could soon be in the same dark hole as you find yourself at the moment. Most of us manage to manage to climb out eventually, sometimes using every last bit of energy we can muster, sometimes sliding back down to the bottom when we've reached half way. I hope you get back to the top edge of the hole soon – there are people waiting there to give you that last lift out. I promise.

  5. Melinda, the notion of everyone else being shiny happy people is crap. Not everyone is as brave as you or has the ability to recognize and verbalize the feelings you are going through. There are lots of people around you to hold your hand and take you through the difficult times. Thank you for sharing. Take the next step and take action. Sending virtual hugs and real ones if you want xx

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