Parents to be, let me tell you what you need to know. And listen carefully. This advice is priceless and it comes free!

Before the pitter patter of little feet turn your life, and house, upside down, go beserk on the decor. In fact, get every copy of Martha Stewart Living (in her home, not her jail cell) and like a big fat pigeon feeding its babies, regurgitate everything you see in there.

Pretend Laura Ashley’s having a spring sale and floralise every nook, cranny and surface area with bits and bobs that have no practical use. Vases, vintage crockery, bowls of flowers. Candles. OMG! Candles. Everywhere. Watch Gone With the Wind for ideas, visit Pinterest, check out MTV Base for that pimp style.

Ingest as many eccentric, eclectic and gawdy idea boards you can and then vomit it all up for the ultimate look.

White leather, glass tables, extravagant forks, beautiful sharp knives. Side plates, soup plates, candelebras. Leopard print, velvet, satin sheets, suede. Unnecessarily large and impractical ornaments, bric ‘n brac. Beautiful wooden objects, kitsch pieces, memorabilia you’ve collected on your travels.

Because when the baby arrives and your home becomes child friendly it also becomes ugly. Our couches have covers on them which have butternut and sweet potato patterns all over. I’ve found myself filing down corners of tables that are too sharp and carpeting stair cases that are potentially deadly.

There’s gates to keep kids in. And out. And locks on cupboards in the kitchen. There’s thingymajiggys on corners and rubber mats everywhere.

From bright pink scatter cushions and white duvet covers we’ve gone ‘kakky’ because let’s face it, nothing hides ‘kak’ better.

Our coffee table, once a home for travel books, coordinated vases, bowls and candles is now bare. Unless you count crumbs and the sticky remains of a Barney juice a ‘piece de resistance’. Our dining room table, carefully chosen because of the quality of the wood and the size, looked after and hardly ever used in case it’s damaged, now looks like a group of frat students played Coinage on it. With Kruger Rands.

Forget chic wallpapers and fluffy carpets. Think glad wrap, bubble wrap and sponge. We’ve chosen colors that compliment poo and vomit, as well as pee. We’ve fallen in love with brown, browner and brownest. It saved us time cleaning up and explaining what mark is what. Green works well too. but a vibrant grass green. We’ve gone for the ‘mould’ shade. It matches the stains of the food that’s been hidden under a couch, bed or table. And nothing pairs with that green and that kakky better than baby’s teething poo or ‘milk to solids poo’.

Our home, once our palace, now looks like a recycling experiment. At times it looks like we’ve just moved in or are moving out. Often it looks like we’ve been burgled. Once a shabby chic home, it’s now just shabby!

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4 thoughts on “Shabby isn’t as chic anymore

  1. I'm more than happy to find this website. I need to to thank you for your time just for this fantastic read!! I definitely liked every part of it and i also have you book-marked to look at new information on your blog.
    Also see my website :: Ferienwohnung Antalya

  2. Dearest Melinda, THANK YOU for sharing your life with us! You will not believe how much I enjoy reading your blog. I laugh out loud and I send the links to my husband to read too. I started reading your blog when we were waiting for our little one, now I am a mommy too and I just love your honesty! I freak when I think in a year that will me too but I am content knowing that I am not alone. My house at the moment is that designer mansion that you said we must enjoy so much. I know I will have to start doing kakky too soon but I am just hanging on to my percale linen for now. Thank you for being such a great inspiration!!!!

  3. Aneli thank you so much. Every now and then when I get a little bored or miserable or tired or busy and I think I'm going to give up the whole blog I get a message like this

    Emma (and now Ben) are my absolute inspiration and as long as they're keeping me entertained I'll return the favour to you

    Wishing you all the love and inspiration with your little one and thanks for taking the time to read my mumbles xxx

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