Parents to be, let me tell you what you need to know. And listen carefully. This advice is priceless and it comes free!
Before the pitter patter of little feet turn your life, and house, upside down, go beserk on the decor. In fact, get every copy of Martha Stewart Living (in her home, not her jail cell) and like a big fat pigeon feeding its babies, regurgitate everything you see in there.
Pretend Laura Ashley’s having a spring sale and floralise every nook, cranny and surface area with bits and bobs that have no practical use. Vases, vintage crockery, bowls of flowers. Candles. OMG! Candles. Everywhere. Watch Gone With the Wind for ideas, visit Pinterest, check out MTV Base for that pimp style.
Ingest as many eccentric, eclectic and gawdy idea boards you can and then vomit it all up for the ultimate look.
White leather, glass tables, extravagant forks, beautiful sharp knives. Side plates, soup plates, candelebras. Leopard print, velvet, satin sheets, suede. Unnecessarily large and impractical ornaments, bric ‘n brac. Beautiful wooden objects, kitsch pieces, memorabilia you’ve collected on your travels.
Because when the baby arrives and your home becomes child friendly it also becomes ugly. Our couches have covers on them which have butternut and sweet potato patterns all over. I’ve found myself filing down corners of tables that are too sharp and carpeting stair cases that are potentially deadly.
There’s gates to keep kids in. And out. And locks on cupboards in the kitchen. There’s thingymajiggys on corners and rubber mats everywhere.
From bright pink scatter cushions and white duvet covers we’ve gone ‘kakky’ because let’s face it, nothing hides ‘kak’ better.
Our coffee table, once a home for travel books, coordinated vases, bowls and candles is now bare. Unless you count crumbs and the sticky remains of a Barney juice a ‘piece de resistance’. Our dining room table, carefully chosen because of the quality of the wood and the size, looked after and hardly ever used in case it’s damaged, now looks like a group of frat students played Coinage on it. With Kruger Rands.
Forget chic wallpapers and fluffy carpets. Think glad wrap, bubble wrap and sponge. We’ve chosen colors that compliment poo and vomit, as well as pee. We’ve fallen in love with brown, browner and brownest. It saved us time cleaning up and explaining what mark is what. Green works well too. but a vibrant grass green. We’ve gone for the ‘mould’ shade. It matches the stains of the food that’s been hidden under a couch, bed or table. And nothing pairs with that green and that kakky better than baby’s teething poo or ‘milk to solids poo’.
Our home, once our palace, now looks like a recycling experiment. At times it looks like we’ve just moved in or are moving out. Often it looks like we’ve been burgled. Once a shabby chic home, it’s now just shabby!