Everyone goes on about the weird and cute things kids say, but have you ever heard yourself talking to your kids?

Like the time Emma was in hospital and we had an unexpected visitor arrive at the ward. There she stood while I explained to Emma that if you swallow plastic it’s not going to come out the other end in the shape of a truck / doll / building block…

Here’s a few pearlers Mark and I have actually said out loud

Emma please stop licking the trampoline / dog / toilet seat / table / my head

Emma we can’t really have this conversation while your front bum’s in my face

Emma I’m asking you once more to get your front bum out of my face

Emma if you ride your bike without pants on you’re going to get all sorts of funny germs

Keep your pants on, I’m doing it, no Emma, really, keep your pants on

No Emma boogers aren’t for sandwiches

Emma my boobs aren’t a set of drums. Yes daddy plays with them sometimes, but that’s different

No Emma, tofu isn’t the same as toe jam

Please don’t stick your rubber ducky up your bum. We’re going to want to play with that later

No Emma, we don’t bite our friend, we don’t smack our friend and we don’t poo on our friend’s head

(after a short while) Emma we also don’t bite mom, we don’t smack mom and we definitely don’t poo on mom’s head

Emma I don’t want to smell your finger AND I don’t want to guess where it’s been

It’s called gnocchi not yuckky

Emma it’s sore when you hit me there. Yes it’s my penis. No you don’t have a penis. Emma, pulling on it hurts too

(a little while later) Emma you can’t ask Santa for a penis for Christmas. Because he doesn’t have any left. No you can’t have Ben’s

I really don’t want to taste your booger. Because I said so. No, Emma! I know what boogers taste like. Because someone told me once

Okay, let’s have wiggly worms when you’ve finished pooing

It’s okay to sit on our coffee table in the nude. Just please don’t do it anywhere else

Emma get away from Ben. No you can’t wee on him

Emma it’s a sucker, not a dog brush

There’s too much hair on your sucker. Yes, because you brushed the dog with it

I sincerely hope that isn’t what I think it is that you just wiped on me

Emma you don’t have to be scared. It’s just a AAAAARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Emma please take your toe out of your front bum. No, I don’t want you to shove it in mine either

It’s a vagina, not a ‘bagina’ and you can only use it when you know how to spell it

Emma please tell me that’s nutella on your hands

Emma unless you’re a llama I don’t want to see you spitting

Emma I really don’t know where poo’s go when they die

Emma please keep your pants on in the movies

What are the darndest things you’ve ever said?

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