Yup. Those are the words a grown woman said to her friend as I kissed and cuddled Emma.
We were in the queue to get a few snacks for movies and Emma was saying thanks to me for the movie tickets, the cold drink and popcorn.
“This is gonna be so much fun hey Mamma?” she said as she gave me a squeeze. “And when the movie’s finished we can get a big balloon! I’ll buy you one too!” she said, with the generosity only a kid without money can have.
And then she grabbed my hanging cheeks and said “I wanna give you a big kiss!” Which she did. Over and over again. “Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah!” And I kissed her right back, thrilled that she was so excited that an outing with me is such adventure for her.
And then it all came to end. The woman behind me said to her friend, loud enough to let me know she didn’t care whether I heard or not, “How do you kiss THAT?” My heart stopped. My blood started boiling and I could feel the anger rising. And as much I’d like to say I had a smart witty retort that put her in her place I didn’t. As the adult in Emma’s life I’m constantly checking that the way I react to situations is a positive example for her. And I don’t always know what that example should be.
So I stood there with Emma in my arms, hurt, angry, sad and once again doubting myself. Wouldn’t Emma’s life have been easier without having a white mom and dad? She’s going to face enough hardships and challenges. Did I have to add to them? Was I just selfish, wanting to be a mom, not thinking about the consequences for Emma and now Ben?
And now while I sit writing this, I’m sad that I’ve put Emma in this position and I’m angry that people think they have the right to be so hurtful and heartless. What makes me even more upset, I realize, is that while I doubt myself and my motives for having Ben and Emma in my life, this woman probably hasn’t given us a second thought. She’s probably forgotten the awful thing she said and is either unaware of the impact it has had or is just too stupid to care.
I’m sad and I’m angry. I’m sad that without knowing me or Emma she made a judgement call like that. I’m angry that I allowed her comment to hurt me like that.
I’m sad that there are still such ignorant people in the world and I’m angry that I let her remark ruin my entire day. She isn’t worth the energy I wasted.