She  had been waiting for this moment for a long long time. Her husband was away, the kids at granny and grandpa for a sleepover.

Deciding that the perfect start to her evening  would be a relaxing hot bath, she started taking toys out of the tub. One by one. She removed three barbies, four lalaloopsy dolls, a shark, a dinosaur, two rubber ducks, ten buckets, all different sizes and colours, a funny looking monkey, toy brushes, bottles, a hello kitty head, a baby boots, a dora swimming doll. An hour later all the bath toys were out.

Finally she thought as she ran a bubble bath, pouring herself a glass of wine. A big glass. Oh f*** she thought, putting the glass aside and slugging straight out the bottle. As she poured the bright pink bubblegum smelling liquid into the running water, she looked down at her hairy legs and reached for her razor. She looked at her legs once more, looked at the razor and thought Oh f*** it what’s another day’s worth of growth?

Slowly she unbuttoned her vomit stained shirt and slipped off her pants. They too were covered in vomit, baby food, drool and God knows what else. She left them there. On the floor. Too tired to reach the overflowing laundry basket. Dipping her unpedicured toes into steaming water, she slowly eased herself in. Oh f***! she exclaimed, sitting on a rogue toy. As she pulled the truck out from under her, she gave a little smile.

There she lay, slowly topping up the hot water, for as long as possibly. She looked lovingly at her wrinkled fingers and toes. When last was I able to soak long enough for this to happen? Again, she smiled to herself.

Out the bath, she slipped into her Sylvester the cat bath robe, a gift for mother’s day and her bright orange slippers. Another mother’s day gift. She took her time brushing her teeth, putting on her anti aging night cream. Ja right she thought. It’s gonna take a lot more than cream to keep me from getting old. Maybe an anti kids screaming, crying, not sleeping cream would work better.

Feeling clean and relaxed she stood at the side of her bed. What to do now, she thought. Opening up the bedside drawer she took out a book, covered in dust, pages already yellowing. She also took out the remote control for the TV. She grabbed her knitting, her crocheting, her scrapbooking goodies, her iPad, her DIY French manicure set. Which one? So many choices. Such little time.

Not able to make a decision she pulled the duvet back, to find three cuddle toys, a kiddies book and a dummy. I’ve been looking for that forever, she thought. Book in one hand, remote in the other, she put her head on her pillow. Is that vomit I smell? Yes, it’s vomit. Oh well. It’s not like I’ve never slept in it, on it, next to it before.

As she started reading she felt her eyes getting heavy. Fighting the sleep, determined to read a chapter, she kept rereading the same sentence over and over again. Eventually admitting defeat, she closed her eyes and succumbed to sleep. For eight hours uninterrupted.


One thought on “50 shades of grey (for moms)

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