As a woman and a mother I’m always feeling guilty about something. I’m guilty that I don’t look like ‘those’ women in the magazines. I’m guilty that I can’t bounce a coin off my ass or that my boobs no are no longer horizontal.
I feel guilty because I don’t do enough for the community, because I don’t feed every homeless person I see on the side of the road. I feel guilty because I spend too much money (on the wrong things) and that Emma might be over indulged. I feel guilty that I might have to consider a government school and not a snazzy private one.
I feel guilty that I spend a lot of time at work and not enough time with Emma. I feel guilty when I do spend a lot of time Emma and would rather be at work. I feel guilty when I hear other children Emma’s age can do algebra and geometry and she can’t. I feel guilty that Emma prefers jelly gums to broccoli sprouts because if she preferred veggies then maybe she could do the geometry and algebra. I feel guilty that she watches too much TV and not enough time figuring out the answers to the world’s problems.
I feel guilty that I’m not a nymphomaniac and given the chance of going down or lying down, I’d do the latter. I feel guilty that my ‘orgasm’ face is nothing like the girls in ‘those’ movies.
I feel guilty when people assume Emma’s lost because there’s no black mommy in the vicinity. I feel guilty when someone speaks to Emma in a language she should apparently be speaking. I feel guilty watching Emma traverse between two worlds. I feel guilty that Emma is an only child and I feel guilty that at the moment I prefer it that way.
I feel guilty that my body doesn’t function the way it should. I feel guilty that I’m unable to have children. I feel guilty that I skipped the varicose veins and the (extra) stretch marks. I feel guilty that I’m not Emma’s bio-mom and didn’t bond with her from conception. I feel guilty when she cries in her dreams. I feel guilty because no matter how hard I try Emma will never look like me.
I feel guilty 100% of the time and if there’s a moment I feel at peace I then feel guilty that I’m not feeling guilty. BTW, I think I might have done a similar post about guilt before. So now I feel guilty about that too. I also feel guilty that I have found new things to feel guilty about.
My name’s Melinda but feel free to call me Guilty…