As a woman and a mother I’m always feeling guilty about something. I’m guilty that I don’t look like ‘those’ women in the magazines. I’m guilty that I can’t bounce a coin off my ass or that my boobs no are no longer horizontal.

I feel guilty because I don’t do enough for the community, because I don’t feed every homeless person I see on the side of the road. I feel guilty because I spend too much money (on the wrong things) and that Emma might be over indulged. I feel guilty that I might have to consider a government school and not a snazzy private one.

I feel guilty that I spend a lot of time at work and not enough time with Emma. I feel guilty when I do spend a lot of time Emma and would rather be at work. I feel guilty when I hear other children Emma’s age can do algebra and geometry and she can’t. I feel guilty that Emma prefers jelly gums to broccoli sprouts because if she preferred veggies then maybe she could do the geometry and algebra. I feel guilty that she watches too much TV and not enough time figuring out the answers to the world’s problems.

I feel guilty that I’m not a nymphomaniac and given the chance of going down or lying down, I’d do the latter. I feel guilty that my ‘orgasm’ face is nothing like the girls in ‘those’ movies.

I feel guilty when people assume Emma’s lost because there’s no black mommy in the vicinity. I feel guilty when someone speaks to Emma in a language she should apparently be speaking. I feel guilty watching Emma traverse between two worlds. I feel guilty that Emma is an only child and I feel guilty that at the moment I prefer it that way.

I feel guilty that my body doesn’t function the way it should. I feel guilty that I’m unable to have children.  I feel guilty that I skipped the varicose veins and the (extra) stretch marks. I feel guilty that I’m not Emma’s bio-mom and didn’t bond with her from conception. I feel guilty when she cries in her dreams. I feel guilty because no matter how hard I try Emma will never look like me.

I feel guilty 100% of the time and if there’s a moment I feel at peace I then feel guilty that I’m not feeling guilty. BTW, I think I might have done a similar post about guilt before. So now I feel guilty about that too. I also feel guilty that I have found new things to feel guilty about.

My name’s Melinda but feel free to call me Guilty…


7 thoughts on “My name’s Melinda but you can call me Guilty

  1. Although there are things in here that I can't feel guilty about, I can relate to a lot of the others. I'm sure I feel guilty about some things you don't and visa versa.

    It's ok though. You are not alone.

  2. Thank you. Sometimes I write about how I feel guilty for every second I choose not to be with my kids but I did think most people thought I was mad.
    Strange as it may seem, I feel a lot less guilty since having two kids. I thought the guilt would double and obvs it is still there (and about new! interesting! stuff like how much attention each child gets, and who may be losig out) – but I am also THAT much more tired and THAT much more grateful that the 2 of them can get on with it and so clearly enjoy each other's company a lot of the time. *Loving it*

  3. Oh you speak for all of us. The details may differ, but the general theme is the same. Flip, and we are just doing the best we can for the moment.

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