Anyone who has ever experienced ‘childlessness’ will understand. There is an ache in your heart that nothing can replace. There is an emptiness in your life that nothing can fill. Seeing pregnant women makes you weepy. Seeing babies makes you cry. Resentment and anger well up inside and nothing anyone does or says makes it feel better.
You bargain with G-d. You beg and plead. Sorrow is replaced with rage and rage soon turns to bitterness.
By the time Mark and I explored the options on fertility treatment and said no to IVF we were left with two options – to live our lives without children or adopt. We had conversations that no two people in love should ever have to have, like me asking Mark if he wanted to stay with me or rather find someone who would be able to give him his own children. Mark thankfully stayed…
On the 10th May 2009 Emma found herself on this earth. At 6 weeks she found a place in our heart and a short while later a place in our home
After so much pain and heartache in my life, the universe has made up for it in abundance with our little girl.
Every day we count our blessings for having Emma in our lives. And it’s the every day things we’re the most grateful for.
There are so many reasons to be thankful and some may seem absurd but when you never ever thought it would or could happen, the absurd becomes the very reasons for our gratitude…
Reason 1 – Our bed, made for two, now sleeps three
Reason 2 – We get to tidy up toys all day, every day
Reason 3 – I have interrupted nights where Emma wants to play and talk..and I do so happily
Reason 4 – Our dining room table is now also Emma’s favourite seat to sit and watch TV
Reason 5 – Sports and soapies are no longer the programmes of choice. Instead we get to watch Bubbleguppies, Dorah the Explorer, Team Umizoomi, Wonderpets and a whole lot more
Reason 6 – I traded my super-cool-man-magnet-Mini Cooper in for a sensible mommy car
Reason 7 – Going away for weekends means we have to check whether the place is child-friendly or not
Reason 8 – Overseas holidays are no longer as easy or as affordable
Reason 9 – Monkey cereal and cheesey toast are on the breakfast menu
Reason 10 – We get to go to shows like Beautiful Creatures
Reason 11 – We go to restaurants, not because of their wine list, but because they have a kiddies area
Reason 12 – Our lives are no longer our own
Reason 13 – My hard earned salary goes to school fees, nappies, clothes and toys
Reason 14 – We attend countless kiddies parties
Reason 15 – The excitement in our house at birthdays and Christmas is tangible
Reason 16 – I am no longer the professional, the wife or the daughter. I am Mama Emma
Reason 17 – The dark rings under my eyes can’t hide the twinkle inside
Reason 18 – We get to go to the Spur
Reason 19 – We get to go to parent’s evenings
Reason 20 – I get to make school lunches
Reason 21 – I’ve learned there’s nothing tastier than an already chewed sweet
Reason 22 – My food is no longer my own. Emma takes the best bits off my plate ALL the time
Reason 23 – I get to hear “I love you mama” at least six or seven times a day
Reason 24 – My heart is no longer in my chest but rather right in front of me
Reason 25 – It’s a cruel, crazy beautiful world and my hope is that Emma finds her place in it