Yesterday I tweeted that “I now know what nappies are for…toddler’s just pee’d in my mouth…” Reactions from friends was not at all what I had expected. I thought I’d get things back like “finally, it’s happened to you too” or “why the surprise? It happens to me at least three times a day” rather than the horrified cyber-shrieks of “how the heck did that happen?” and “eugh, that’s gross” (think that might have been a teen on my timeline).

I promised I would tell how I managed to end up with a mouthful of Emma’s pee in my mouth, so here goes. Emma and I had gone to Serendipity and it was boiling hot, like Hades hot, like ‘sweet baby Jesus if it stays this hot we’re all going to end up as brown as Emma’ hot. So when Emma and I got home I stripped off her clothes, keeping her nappy on.

Shortly after she woke up I could hear the usual grunting and groaning that goes with Emma’s bowel movement. I asked her if she wanted to make a poo on the toilet but as usual I got ‘”no” for an answer. I asked again and a few minutes later once more. Emma was visibly annoyed by my nagging so I thought I’d let her be. Eventually she said that she’d like to go to the toilet and off we went. Of course, by the time she had decided that this was what she wanted to do she had already made a number two, which was happily steaming away in her nappy. As quickly as the nappy came off, so too was Emma, making her naked dash for freedom.

It was around 4:30pm so there was some shade in the garden, the grass was nice and cool and Emma was in her bare-cheeked element. I went outside to sit on the lawn while she played a little but was instructed to ‘lie down’. Little Miss Bossy proceeded to climb over me, demanding that I tickle her, which I did. She would screech with laughter, get up, make a dash for it and then come running back, stage diving across me. This went on for a while, the laughing, the screeching, the running and the diving. At one point she was lying with her bum dangerously close to my face, head pointed towards my feet and I still thought thank gee she’s just had a poo otherwise this could end rather horribly…she then turned herself around, and facing me asked me to lift her like a helicopter.

Again, I did as I was told. Of course I couldn’t hold her too high for too long as my upper arm strength is non-existent. Okay, who am I kidding? My arm strength is non-existent so it would be a quick lift, a hold and then back on my chest for a tickle. We did this a few times and Emma was howling with laughter. I was laughing too. One last time I lifted her, feet dangling above my head, my eyes closed, from exertion and laughter…and then I felt a few drops on me. At first I thought it was the sprinkler but logic told me if it was indeed water from the sprinkler it would be hitting me from the side, not above. Then I thought maybe it’s a monkey’s wedding, a welcome relief from the heat. By the time I opened my eyes and realized what was happening, my little monkey had indeed relieved herself above my head, straight into my mouth…

And THAT is how Emma managed to pee in my mouth!

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