Girl: Thanks for phoning. I really didn’t think I’d see you so soon

Boy: I would have phoned sooner but I’ve been away

Girl: With such a hectic schedule I’m just really really glad that you called me

Boy: See, it shows you how much I wanted to see you…with so many other things to do I chose to spend some time with you

Girl: Giggle, giggle

Boy: Do you like planes and stuff

Girl: Yes. I’m in the aviation business

Boy: Oh like a pilot?

Girl: No, I work with XXX on putting the menus together

Boy: Wow! When I flew to Spain last year I flew XXX and the meal was awesome, so thank you

Girl: Giggle, giggle. So do you enjoy flying?

Boy: Well it’s kind of in my blood. I have eight pilots in my family

Girl: Eight? Wow!

Boy: Yes, my aunt and uncle. My step brother and grand father. My dad and my dad’s dad. My two brothers also fly

Girl: That’s awesome. Which airline do they all work for

Boy: None. None of them actually fly, they just wanted to get their pilot’s licence

Girl: Wow…I always wanted to get my pilot’s licence

Boy: There’s only like 60 chick pilots in the world. And when I flew last time a black chick was flying the plane

Girl: You’re right. I read something about her getting her licence

Boy: Yup, I’m right. I always am

Waitress: Any coffee, sweets?

Boy: I doubt there’s anything as sweet as my date here on the menu

Waitress: confused

Girl: Giggle, giggle

Boy: So have you been dating recently

Girl: Kind of..sort of, not really. I mean there was this one guy, that i sort of liked, but there was something a little off about him

Boy: You’ve got to be so careful out there. Not all guys are as nice as me (big cheesy something off about it smile)

Girl: Anyway, I’ve got to get going. My daughter’s at Michelle and I said I wouldn’t be late

Boy: I know I’ve never met Michelle before but she must be awesome to look after your daughter while you have a quick lunch with me

Girl: She is. She’s very cool

Boy: Please tell her I say thanks and tell your daughter I say thanks too. Letting me pull you away from her on a weekend

Girl: I will. But only if I can see you again

Boy: Definitely. Do you like arm wrestling?

Girl: Shut the ffffffff……ront door! I love arm wrestling and I’m actually really good at it. You wouldn’t say so by looking at me but I’m really strong

Boy: Cool. I’ll see you in the ring!

Nope, this is not the script from THE WILD nor from some D-grade soapie. This was a conversation a couple next to me were having this afternoon. Mark, Emma and I had popped by to a
restaurant-come-kid-friendly venue for a bite to eat. Mark was off playing with Emma and I was reading, or trying to.

By the time Mark got back to the table I was visibly ill from eavesdropping. All my fault I know, but the conversation at the table next to me was the audio version of a car accident. You really didn’t want to listen, but you couldn’t not. Believe me, it was much worse than this and it went on and on and on…

I’ve said it to friends before and I’ll say it again. If Mark and I ever got divorced I would remain single for the rest of my life. The idea of first dates or blind dates scares the crap out of me. When you’re younger you seem to put up with a lot more and of course, time is on your side.

There’s the thrill of getting all dressed up, the thrill of possibly meeting someone. The actual meeting of a boy at a club or pub, the tongue wrestling and then the waiting to see if he calls. When he does your heart skips a beat. You make plans to meet during the day and then you realize just how drunk you were the night before.
Seeing him in the stark light of day you find out that you have nothing in common, and you sit sipping on a cold drink, looking across the table, hoping the next few hours will fly by. As soon as you get home you call your service provider and change your cell number.

Or you meet the guy in the gym. He’s into weights and you like the look of him. You start chatting and then become ‘gym buddies’. One thing leads to another and he asks you out. Only thing is he asks if you can fetch him because he doesn’t have a car. You pull up outside his house, which happens to be his mother’s and he’s waiting at the gate for you, with an excited smile…and a man bag. Slightly put off, you think the evening can only get better. And it doesn’t. Some guy at the pub Mr Man Bag had chosen pinches your bum as you walk past, Mr Man Bag sees it and goes into a ‘roid rage, pulling the tiniest little gun out of his man bag, threatening to shoot everyone in the vicinity.

Or you call one of your friends and her brother answers. You like his voice and have a quick chat before he calls his sister to the phone. On Monday you see the friend and she says her brother really likes you, would it be okay if he writes to you. Writes to me? Okay, this was a few years back but computers and email had been invented. Sure, you say, giving your postal address over. And then the letter arrives, your address on the front and P.T.O at the bottom of the envelope. Turning the letter over you come face to face with a hole lot of hearts and what looks like a pair of badly drawn panties. The message that accompanies the hearts and er, well, the broeks, reads ‘pink panties turn me. do you?’

Or you meet a guy during lectures and think he’s cute. And he is. He’s funny. He makes you laugh and is fun to be around. But he’s a boy’s boy. His mates come first. You see him a few times and you really like him. He stays quite far from you but he’s only too happy to pick you up, take you to his place and drive you ALL the way back home after. Then the subtle signs start. He doesn’t sit any where near you in lectures. In the canteen he keeps his distance. you’re not too sure but you swear he’s hiding behind a book in the library, hoping you won’t see him. You call him to find out what’s going on but the voice on the other side, which sounds surprisingly like him, tells you he’s not at home. Finally you get hold of him and ask if you’re going to see him on the weekend. And you get told that it’s really far to drive all the way to fetch you, so unless you’re going to pay for petrol then he thinks it’s better that he sees you on Monday at varsity…say no more!

And those were the more successful ones. Some didn’t get past the intro. Like the guy who introduced himself to me as Fernando, but added that his friends call him Fanny. Because it’s short for Fernando you’d assume? Nope because his nose bleeds every 28 days. Then there was one who told me his friends call him Donkey because he was hung like a mule, more of an ass I’d say.

Believe it or not one guy’s opening line was “My dick’s two inches…FROM THE FLOOR!” and then there was a ‘roadie’, who after a concert in Cape Town asked me if I’d be joining everyone in the bar for a drink. When I told him that I had to be up early so I was going to have a bath and call it a night, he asked if I needed someone to hold the towel for me. He didn’t flinch when I said that there was already a dumb valet in the bathroom. And of course, the gentleman who asked me if I wanted to ‘get it on’, preferably before 10pm because he had to get home to his wife!

And that was when I still had the energy, the inclination and the libido. Yes, should I ever find myself on the single side of life again my classified ad would read: Single female. Only BOB’s* need apply…

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