We’ve been waiting for the storm to pass so we can give Emma a bath. There’s not a chance in Hades that we’ll let her get into a tub full of water because me mom drilled into me the dangers of bathing while there was thunder and lightning outside…I’m still not sure whether this is true or not, but I’m not taking any chances. Last time she told me that story and I asked if the friend of the man she knew that knew another man who had a wife whose little boy was struck by lightning in the bath could tell me whether it was true or not, she said he was dead. “From the lightning?” I asked, “No, from old age!”

My mom told me a million other things that I find myself sometimes using on Emma, like if you don’t wash your ears you’ll grow vegetables in them…here’s a few more.

I remember my mom telling my brothers to stop playing with their willies or else they’d fall off. When asked how she knew this, my mom pointed to her crotch area and asked them both why they think there’s nothing there but a big hole…

Don’t swallow that bubble gum…it’ll clog up your insides and you’ll die

Don’t masturbate…you’ll grow hair on your palms, you’ll go blind and die

If you roll your eyes back like that they’ll get stuck in the back of your head and you’ll die

If you sit too close to the TV your eyesight will go all funny

If you eat all your carrots your eyesight will improve, but sitting so close to the TV will still make your eyesight go funny

If you swallow pips a tree will grow in your stomach and you’ll die

If you don’t wear a jersey outside when it’s cold you’ll get sick and you’ll die

You can’t see a therapist. They’re only for mad people

Always wear clean underwear. You don’t want to be hit by a car and have the ambulanceman see you in dirty broeks…Of course she didn’t appreciate my response to that which was, “Mom, if I got hit by a car, I’d probably get such a fright I’d shit my pants anyway”

Which brings me to the next pearl of wisdom from my mom – Nobody likes a smart ass

Don’t swim right after you’ve eaten. You’ll get a stitch and die

Don’t watch so much TV – you’ll get square eyes

No you don’t need braces!!!!

You look beautiful with your new reading glasses!!!

If you swim on your own without an adult close by the kreepy krawly will suck you up and you’ll die

Boys only want one thing from you – your lunch money

On being bullied at school – they’re only bullying ‘cos they like you

Because I’m the adult and I know better

(on pulling weird faces) The wind will blow and your face will stay that way

The only thing that will help a jelly fish sting is pee (as she positioned my brother above me to pee on my back)

Boys are yucky

Kissing is yucky

If you have sex before you’re married God will know and he’ll strike you with lightning

I’m giving you this hiding because I love you soooooo much

(On my pet dying) He’s gone to heaven

(On my gran dying) She’s gone on holiday in heaven

(On my grandfather dying) He’s with granny in heaven

No one will remember that you peed your pants in class

No one will remember you vomiting on the school trip to the Simba Chip Factory

If you swim in the ocean while you have your period a shark will sniff you out and eat you

If you pee in the sea a shark will smell it and come eat you

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