Anyone who has read my blog knows that I often share far too much information. It’s part of my self deprecating personality. I suppose I’d rather be the one making an ass of myself than give someone else the license to do it.
So without further ado, here’s another one of THOSE! This morning I kind of slunk out of bed. Been a Monday I didn’t jump up singing “Zippity Doo Daa”. Nope, it went more along the lines of putting one foot on the floor, letting out a groan. Lying like that for a few minutes until I could fine the energy to place the other foot on the floor as well. Again I lay for a while. Then kind of moved my body at slight angles until I was lying at the edge of the bed, both feet on floor, back and head still on mattress. It reminded of a crazy sexual position attempted once, years ago. Now, well let’s just say when Mark sees me like that he knows to stay away. Very far away.
Eventually I slid to the floor. Sitting surveying the scenery. The floor looked like my cupboard had projectile vomited. There were clothes everywhere. Clothes from Saturday, from Sunday and maybe even from Friday. Now this is the part where I might reveal too much and in the process, repulse. But here goes. Sometimes when I’m really tired, I’ll pull off trousers and underwear together. I then throw both articles into the wash bin.
Some mornings, especially weekends, I might find myself wearing the same pants twice, but often I forget I’ve left my ‘broeks’ in them. Like today, when I stuck my legs into my jeans and they felt a little tighter around the calves than normal. Oh crap I thought, I’ve grown cankles overnight! However on closer inspection I found yesterday’s broekies happily tucked in at the leg of my pants. I pulled them out, threw them in the wash bin and continued with my Monday morning duties. Sadly I wasn’t so lucky a few years back.
My boyfriend at the time (who then became my husband and then ex-husband) were going on a date. I had gotten home from my Saturday casual job and quickly grabbed a pair of jeans that were lying on the floor. I ran around the house trying to make myself look a little presentable for the then love of my life and by the time he knocked on the front door I was ready. We went the local mall, had a bite to eat and then went off to a movie. I can’t remember the movie and I can’t remember what we ate. We were young and in love and none of that mattered. It was the spending time together that we enjoyed. But I certainly remember what happened when we got up to leave the cinema.
The person sitting next to me, now standing, let out a ‘EEEEEEEEUUUUUUUWWWWW’ that made my ears bleed. I turned to look at what could have caused the noise and he was kicking a pair of panties around. His girlfriend giggled and then told the next row of people about their find. Everyone laughed and joked about how someone must have gotten lucky during the movie. The more conservative people were sighing and shaking their heads at the situation, berating the cleaning staff for not having cleaned up properly between the two screenings. I looked a little closer and realized the offending broeks were…mine! They had obviously been in the leg of my pants all this time and had somehow fallen out.
Panicked, I started urging my ex-boyfriend-ex-husband to move quickly. This seemed to have the opposite effect. Hard of hearing in the one ear, he was totally oblivious to what was going on around him but with my pushing and shoving he turned to see what all the commotion was about. Looking around he noticed everyone pointing to the floor and laughing…he took a moment and then, rather loudly said, “Hey Melinda, aren’t those yours?”