I’ve mentioned it in previous blogs and I’ll mention it again. I suffer from depression. It’s usually manageable but sometimes not so much. I’m in the ‘not so much’ phase at the moment. I am engulfed in this smog of sadness and apathy and am finding it very hard. to. just. get. through. a. day.
I had seen my GP 10 days back and she had suggested upping my medication, but she was also nervous about meddling with my ‘other doctor’s’ stuff, so she gave me something for energy and another thing for a never-ending cough. Neither worked.
Not feeling great at all, I made an appointment with my psychiatrist at our usual hang-out, his offices. I love my psychiatrist. He’s not the touchy feely type but his sensitive to my needs, words things in ways that won’t offend me, and unlike some ‘therapists’ I’ve seen, there’s no judgement. Or none that I can see.
His jaw doesn’t drop when I tell him I haven’t had the energy to bath for five days. He doesn’t shudder when I tell him that if it wasn’t for Mark and Emma I would have killed myself already. He doesn’t shiver when I tell him that issues from way back when are resurfacing at the strangest times and taking me back to times I’d much rather forget. He is such a sweet soul. He ‘yips’ and ‘aha’s’ and nods his head in agreement, like he hears this kind of conversation all the time.
Depression is a fickle friend according to Dr Z. It’s when you’re at your very lowest that he regurgitates all your past experiences. It’s when he knows you don’t have the energy to fight it that he lays it on super-thick. Like an old photo album, he takes you back to the hurt and the guilt, the shame and the fear, and he cleverly manipulates current day situations in such a way that they trigger feelings and emotions from way back when. So a work related issue has me anxious and filled with the fear of the unknown. It has me feeling guilty and ashamed that I didn’t handle it correctly.
Raising Emma is also bringing up a lot of issues. I’m petrified of leaving her alone with men, any men. Mark in his caring way is telling me should be eating more vegetables and fruit and not drinking so much milk. And I have a meltdown every time this is mentioned. I don’t want Emma having the food issues I have. I don’t want her struggling with weight the moment she can balance on a scale. Having Emma in my life is making me wonder, on a minute to minute basis, if I’m good enough for her. I worry that I’m not able to protect her from the world and the people in it.
This sadness is difficult to get through. It’s a mist that clouds my day. It mutes happy moments and amplifies the not so happy ones. While I’m at work I can’t wait to get home to Emma, but when I get home I can’t wait for her to go to bed, just so I can breathe. For a moment. And then the GUILT comes. Which, according to Dr Z is actually a very necessary emotion in terms of evolution. If women did not feel guilty we would not be driven to take care of our children. So according to him it’s a positive sign that I’m still able to feel this. Guilt is a necessary means to an end Mothers-in-Arms. Do not feel guilty about feeling guilty.
So we’ve upped my meds and I’ll see him in three weeks time. We’ll take it from there which is the best we can do right now…one day at a time.