If you’ve ever miscarried, lost a baby or a child, a pet or someone near and dear to you you will know what I mean about the huge gaping hole left behind. Time eases the pain but there’s days or triggers that take you back to the time, the event, the memory, the hurt.
I miscarried at 11 weeks. I remember the day, the time and the conversation between myself and the specialist as if it were yesterday. Mark was in the States at the time and even with two other people in the room I have never felt so alone. A few weeks earlier Mark and I had gone together and we had listened to the heart beat of our answered prayer. This check up was on my own and I was so excited. I think I might have even neatened up a bit down there (if you know what I mean). I lay back on the bed, the doctor walked in, nurse following close behind and he inserted his tool…I mean the sonar thingy.
There was no heart beat. Me being me actually said “Pump up the volume doc…let’s hear that beat!” He tried to smile but I could see something was very wrong. “The sound is up Melinda. There’s no heartbeat. I am so sorry.” He told me to take my time getting dressed and to pop into his office afterwards so we could confirm the hospital booking.
Just like that my answered prayer had vanished. I remember sitting in the chair in that tiny room, the image of nothing still on the screen. I remember hearing the nursing staff laughing and giggling outside. Not at me, not at my circumstances but it felt like it. I wanted to scream at them to shut up. To show a little bit of empathy.
When we got the results back it was confirmed that it was a partial molar pregnancy. In true Melinda style I had managed to have a partial molar pregnancy. For those of you who don’t know a PMP is when the fertilized egg has the normal set of chromosomes from the mother and two sets from the father. So there are 69 chromosomes instead of the normal 46. Of course I joked about this and said that Mark’s little swimmers were obviously so eager to get the job done they did it twice.
PMP’s are also not common. About 1 in 1 500 pregnancies in the States is a molar pregnancy. I couldn’t find any figures for SA but if you look in the book WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN EXPECTING Partial Molar Pregnancy appears in a small section of the book of things that will probably never happen…
The loss of that baby was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. Well meaning people would say things “like don’t worry you’ll fall pregnant again” or “at least it was only 11 weeks” and my best one ever was “the miscarriage is almost like fertilizer. You’ll find yourself falling pregnant again in no time.” Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes and hairstyles.
In honour of our baby I made a little spot in the garden, planted all of my favourite flowers and bought a statue of a little angel. That was my quiet spot and whenever I needed some time away I would go and sit there. I would chat to my baby that would never be and pray that he or she was safe.
A wise young friend of mine after hearing about the miscarriage said I now have my very own angel looking out for me, right by God’s side and that got me through a lot of dark and sad days.
Just the other day Emma and I were taking a walk through the garden. We were on the hunt for fairies and other wonderful things and she spotted a pair of wings lying to one side. She picked it up and asked me what they were. I then realized that after many months the angel had slowly started to break up…and all that was left were the wings. In hindsight I’m grateful the head wasn’t there…that would have been a gruesome find for Emma 🙂 That’s how long I had been in that section of the garden. That’s how long ago I had needed peace and quiet.
I now know I never lost that baby. That baby is still with us and he or she sent Emma. Everyday I am grateful for the opportunity of having experienced a pregnancy – the morning sickness, the bloatedness and the nausea. But I am even more grateful for the joy that Emma brings.
I didn’t lose a baby. I gained an angel in heaven, one on earth and a multitude of friends I would never have made were it not for both of them xxx