It’s taken me a long time to decide whether I should write this, let alone make it public. But with everyone’s encouragement and kinds words I have decided that I can do this…
The scars I carry are invisible to most but if you take the time to look a little bit closer you’ll see them quite clearly. The scars on my wrists I wear like bracelets, the eating disorder keeps me clothed and the the depression and sadness I wear around my neck like valued trinkets…these are my scars that I carry.
The guilt and the shame I walk with everyday have become companions and a few well-meaning therapists have confirmed that the blame is all mine. One of them kindly told me that I must have enjoyed it if I allowed it to go on for so long. Another explained that because the age difference was not a big one, it made the events consensual. She also asked me if I had looked inward to see how my behaviour attracts these kinds of situations.So there I was, already convinced it was my doing and now being told by professionals that yes, it indeed was.
I have looked for love in all the wrong places, because love isn’t supposed to feel right, right? I have sabotaged loving relationships for not so loving ones, because I don’t deserve it. My relationships with men are complicated, but nowhere near as complicated as my relationship with food.
When everything else falls apart around me I can control what goes into my body (or doesn’t) and at it’s most basic level I don’t feel as though I deserve the nourishment and nurturing that a meal gives. I hate my body. My body has deceived me too many times. My body does not belong to me.
For years I felt as though I had dealt with a lot of my issues. I told myself that I had made my experiences a part of me and they have resulted in the person I am today. Kind, caring, empathetic and strong. But at almost forty I still haven’t found my voice or my place in the world.
I like to think of myself as a survivor but a survivor is someone who has lived through an experience and comes out the other side. I live my experience everyday so for now I am a perseverer.
My prayer for you is that you find your voice…